I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Nice try, poison.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.