A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Chicago sounds lovely.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house