Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
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Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*