[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
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He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion