Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Well, shit
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??