*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo