I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
You Might Also Like
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
What personal space?
My dog
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp