Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.