Bruh 😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.