[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”