if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.