Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I’m about to risk it all
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes