I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone