If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!