I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
You Might Also Like
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.