accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass