My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
What kind of a cult is this?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.