GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.