me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
You Might Also Like
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.