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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The Compass
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥