me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.