My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win