The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Terribly Tuesday.