I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.