2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
You Might Also Like
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
wtf management?!
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*