I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
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me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Weaknesses.
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