wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
tourist season
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
58.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’m not proud
never forget
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*