A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
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The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
me irl
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
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Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?