you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Order here:
More here:
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…