[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*