FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m about to risk it all
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.