If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I love wikipedia
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it