[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.