The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*3.5 thank you very much.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.