My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
When libraries troll their patrons.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS