[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
our love story in four pictures
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…