[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
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tis the season
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!