A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Go hard or stay average
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.