the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”