I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
pls suprot
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
This raises questions
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?