the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Yep.