Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
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me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.