“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
emergency phone
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes