marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
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google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.