Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
こいつ天才
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.