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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money