Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.