My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
road rage
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”