Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2