detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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(Jupiter –
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
What?!?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious